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The best of internet jokes, wisdom and spoofs
Train Journey
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the
hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches
who are getting on, get your arses in the train, cause we're going down
the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into
your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to
take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little
boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow
all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking
on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with
us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
Tech Tales 1
Customer: "I want to send an e-mail. How do I do it from WordPerfect?"
Tech Support: "Do you have an e-mail program?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Are you on a network?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Do you have a modem?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Then you can't send e-mail."
Customer: "This program is useless! How am I going to send an e-mail!?"
Tech Support: "Well, if you push the send button, a small door will
open at the back of your monitor, and a pigeon will fly out with your
message."
[Unknown to my supervisor, I had the phone on mute when I said this
last line. The look on his face was great.]
Tech Tales 2
Customer: "My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to
my shock he was at [a British comedy site]."
Tech Support: "Yes, what is the problem?"
Customer: "The '.uk' at the end - doesn't that stand for United Kingdom?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "Just great - I knew it! He's in trouble now! He was there
for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?"
Tech Support: "It doesn't work that way. You can surf anywhere without
long distance charges."
Customer: "No, I am sure AOL charges extra. It doesn't make any sense
that they wouldn't. England is a long way away, they would lose millions
not to."
After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take
my word and said she was going to call AOL. A while later she called back.
Customer: "Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge
for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after
I hung up with AOL."
Tech Support: "Yes?"
Customer: "Do you think they charge extra for long distance e-mail?"
Tech Support: "Trust me - they don't."
Customer: "Wonderful! My oldest son works in Sweden. He sends us
e-mail, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn't know how much
it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us lots
of money! Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service."
A Typical Call to NTL Customer Services
Welcome to NTL. Please use this menu system to select the service you
require.
Press 1, if you require to speak to your Franchise, who will immediately
transfer you around the country until you're sick to the back teeth of
the holding music and hang up.
Press 2, if you require the Billing department, who will not be in anyway,
no matter what time you call.
Press 3, for pre-registration and you know you should be calling the
premium rate line to pretend you didn't know this, and will try to trick
someone into giving you tech help.
Press 4, for Premium Rate, where you will grumble about the service (even
though you've had free internet for over a year) and price of the call
for 5 minutes then allow someone to tell you your password.
Press 5, if you have a Cable modem, and you will be taught by someone
with two hours training.
Press 6, for Digital Interactive. Please wait indefinitely as we have
no idea what it is.
Press 7 for TV - internet
Press 8 or 9 if you are a Cable and Wireless customer or have Indirect
Access. Please wait as you'll be transferred from one line to the other.
Otherwise, please mash all the keys with your fist as you'll be in no
better position, as we really don't care about you.
Fascinating Facts (or not!)
The bloke that used to do the voiceovers for Gerry Adams played the now
deceased Butch Dingle in Emmerdale.
Edward Woodward has four Ds in his name, because otherwise he'd be Ewar
Woowar.
Hairdressers always ask you where you're going on holiday; so why don't
travel agents ask you where you have your hair done?
Trees break wind.
Margaret Thatcher indirectly invented Mr Whippy ice cream, by developing
a special type of antifreeze when she was a chemist.
98% of the recommended daily allowance of Fibrinogen (vitamin K) can
be obtained by eating three small pebbles found on a beach.
Earth rotation is caused by penguins running around the South Pole.
In Iceland, the word for telephone is pronounced exactly the same as
the english word for 'man juice'.
A cat's whiskers are exactly as wide as its body, so it knows if it can
make it through a tight space or not.
People usually smile (without knowing it) when looking at a flower.
The human small intestine if straightened out and measured with a ruler
would no longer work properly.
The average distance walked at a National Trust property is 12 feet:
old people walking from the car to the bin as they sit and look at an
old building from the car park.
Why can't someone invent a razor using just the third blade as that seems
to be the one that shaves the closest?
3.14 isn't actually the value of pie. The value of pie is actually dependent
on the filling, where generally steak and kidney is more expensive than
cherry bakewell.
"Te aurdire no possum, musa sapienum fixa est in aura" is Latin
for "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear"
The phrase "It's not over until the fat lady sings" is actually
a misquote. The correct phrase is "It's not over until the fat lady
sinks" and has its origins in the game of billiards. The black eight
ball was commonly referred to as the "fat lady" so no matter
how bad the game was for a competitor it wasn't over until the "fat
lady" sank.
Ants won't cross a chalk line.
The Black Eagle is the only bird of prey that never stops flying. If
it dies in flight rigor mortis sets in so rapidly that its wings go rigid
within seconds enabling it to glide to the ground safely (if only it weren't
dead).
In Star Wars Episode 1, the actors were told off in the fight scenes
for making the voooom sound of the lightsabers whilst fighting.
Press the door close and floor button at the same time and it will go
to that floor without stopping along the way. Mostly used by cleaners
etc so often found in large hotels and office blocks.
Did you know what makes yawns catching? If you see someone yawn then
your body assumes that there isn't enough oxygen around (that's why you
yawn - to get more oxygen to the brain) so it makes sure that you take
at least as much as the other bastard who is trying to steal your oxygen.
On a journey away from the nest, ants turn back and store an image of
what they see repeatedly until they start the return journey, which is
when they arrange the images so they know what the journey home should
look like.
During the Second World War, lots of metal railings from Victorian houses
were cut down for the war effort. But in fact they were never used - it
was a stunt to get the public behind the war effort.
In an average lifetime there will be over 50,000 images of you on photos
you'll never see.
Did you know that the bass triangle is trademark number 1?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the the Exon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. Two of the most expensive animals were reintroduced
to the wild at a special ceremony. Within two minutes they were both eaten
by a killer whale.
There is a sea squirt (found in the seas near Japan) that digests its
own brain. When the sea squirt is mature it permanently attaches itself
to a rock. At this point it does not need to move anymore and has no need
for a brain. So - waste not want not - it eats it!
If you put raisins in a glass of lemonade you get a low budget lava lamp!
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
If you want to say "hello" in cat-speak, blink very slowly
as you are looking at the cat, then look away.
Pushing a fifty pence piece into plasticine then filling the imprint
with water and freezing it creates ice fifites. These can then be used
in electricity meters and when the temperature rises - hey presto, the
'evidence' disappears.
Perpetual motion: toast always land buttered-side-down. Cats always land
on their feet. Strap a slice of buttered toast to the back of a cat and
drop it. It will hover, slowly spinning, inches above the ground. This
energy can be harnessed with a dynamo.
Want to hold up a bank in Latin? "Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam
omnem mihi dabis ad caput tuum saxumim mane mittam." (I have a catapult.
Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest
makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at
cocktail parties.
There is new Barbie doll in the shops - Divorced Barbie (complete with
all Ken's accessories)
If you were to take all the paperclips in the world that have ever been
produced and lay them end to end, you'd have an idea how bored I am with
my job.
Siemens have a depot in Staines
If you take the first two letters of your surname; first two of your
first name; first two of your mother's maiden name; first two of the county
you live in - add in that order, you will get your Star Wars name.
Don't Call Us: The Hidden Meanings behind Job
Advertisements
COMPETITIVE SALARY - we remain competitive by paying less than our competitors
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - we have no time to train you
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - we don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress
up
MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED - you'll be six months behind schedule on your
first day
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - some time each night and some time each weekend
DUTIES WILL VARY - anyone in the office can boss you around
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - we have no quality control
CAREER-MINDED - female applicants must be childless (and remain that way)
APPLY IN PERSON - if you're old, fat or ugle you'll be told the position
has been filled
NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE - we've filled the job, our call for CVs is just
a legal formality
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - you'll need it
to replace three people who have just left
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - you're walking into a company in perpeptual
chaos
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - you'll have the responsbilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - management communicates. you listen, figure
out what they want and do it.
How to Cook a Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Best Rum Cake Ever
1. or 2. quarts Rum Baking Powder
1. C.butter
1. tsp. soda
1. tsp. sugar
Lemon juice
2 large eggs
Brown sugar
1. c. dried fruit
Nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good isn't it?
Now go ahead, select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the
rum again. It must be right. To be sure you use rum of the highest quality,
pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.
Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a fluffy
bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that
the Rum is of the quinest fality. Cry another tup. Open second quart if
necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If
druit gets stick in beater, just pry loose with drewscriver. Sample the
Rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next, sift 3 cups of pepper
or salt (it doesn't really matter). Sample the Rum again. Sift 112 pint
of lemon luice, fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a babblesponn
of brown thugar, or whatever esier you can find. Wix meil. Grease oven
and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven
and ake. Check the Rum again, and bo to ged.
Army Strike - 15th March 2003
In the face of industrial action by members of the armed forces, the
government has announced that the Fire Service will, as an interim measure,
carry out military operations in Iraq. The Army, who have demanded a 40%
pay increase on the basis that their job has become rather more technical
since 1945, will begin strike action next Thursday unless a compromise
pay deal can be agreed in the meantime.
It is understood that they will spend their time standing around little
bonfires, rubbing their hands together and waving at passing vehicles
who honk their horns at them. Crack Fire Service personnel, highly trained
in playing darts, brewing tea and sliding down poles, are understood to
be on standby to take up front line operations. Using their "red
goddess" vehicles instead of tanks, they will race towards Iraqi
lines and attempt to annoy the enemy into surrendering by making a lot
of noise and spraying them with water.
Prime Minister Tony Blair has already stated that the Fire Service strike
of last year proved that a vastly undermanned service with limited training
and unsuitable equipment can perform the duties of a well-trained, well-equipped
and well-manned professional force equally as efficiently and without
loss of life. When it was pointed out to him that the bright red fire
engines might make an easy target for enemy fire, Mr Blair said, "Never
mind, we've got too many firemen as it is... er, is that camera running?"
Asked for his comment, Britain's partner in the coalition in the war
against Iraq, US President George W. Bush, said "Ooh, can I have
a go on the siren?"
URGENT - DUDLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
At 00:54 on Monday 23 September 2003, an earthquake measuring 4.8 on
the richter scale hit the town of Dudley, West Midlands, causing untold
disruption and distress. Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
costas were damaged. Three areas of historic and scientifically significant
litter were disturbed. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to
come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in
Dudley.
How you can help:
22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
£2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can
play on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging
nettles
Please act now! Simply email us by return with your credit card details
and we'll do the rest.
The Young Couple
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife
asked,
"Eww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and
weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her
nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all
lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... small cox?"
Maybe This Time?
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.
On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel
and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle.
I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom since, after 12 marriages, he thought that at
least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his
new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite
sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me
the documentation."
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the
old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach."
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew
he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able
to deliver."
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood
the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design
a new state-of-the-art method."
"My seventh husband was from Finance and administration. He knew
how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told
me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on
how to do it."
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the
product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was
talk about it".
"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted
to do was look at it."
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted
to do was . . .God I miss him!"
"So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going
to get screwed this time!"
Road Trip
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc.., that each
had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,
they decided to go up to university of Virginia and party with some friends
up there.
They had a great time.
However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor
after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained
that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come to study,
but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have
a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the
final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor
had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,
and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points.
It was something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate
room, "this is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tyre?
Family Fortunes
The following are actual answers given by contestants on "Family
Fortunes" in the UK:
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
Name a number you have to memorize - 7
Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name something you put on walls - Roofs
Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with
wings
Name something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Name something associated with the police - Pigs
Name a sign of the zodiac - April
Name something slippery - A conman
Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'o' Fish
Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Name something with a hole in it - Window
Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
Name a domestic animal - Leopard
Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
Name something you open other than a door - Your bowels
[Humour Index]
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