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The best of internet jokes, wisdom and spoofs Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded: "This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!" A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house" "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband" The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make £50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with" The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh... is this 832-4821?" A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades". "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u." "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state." "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube." "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." "For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "To prevent contraception, use a condominium." In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead. After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P = The problem logged by the pilot) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. P: Something loose in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. P: IFF inoperative. P: Suspected crack in windshield. P: Number 3 engine missing. P: Aircraft handles funny. P: Target radar hums. P: Mouse in cockpit. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer. "ANY question addresed to a cat can be counted rhetorical." - E. Miller An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. - Ellen Perry Berkeley At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you. Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough. Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. - Joseph Wood Krutch Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. - John S. Nichols Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right. - Terry Pratchett Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know. Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff. I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic. I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. - Hippolyte Taine In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. - English proverb On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat. One cat just leads to another. - Ernest Hemingway People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. - Missy Dizick There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Time spent with cats is never wasted. - Colette When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue. You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much. You know it's time to shave your legs when the cat uses them for scratching behind its ears. You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. - Colonial American proverb My cat uses our neighbours' ponds as self-service sushi bars God was sitting on His chair, putting the finishing touches on Adam and Eve. He looked down at His clipboard, and saw that He had only two features left to distribute. Being the fair type of guy that He is, He decided to give them each one of these upgrades, and would let them pick who got what. Reading from His notes, God asked "Alright, which of you would like the ability to pee standing up?" At that, Adam jumped up and started pleading "Oh, please pick me for this one, God. I hate having to sit down to pee. I would love to be able to pee standing up, that would just be great. Please pick me, God. Please, please, please, please, please!" God could see that He was very adamant about being able to pee standing up. So, He marked down on his clipboard that Adam was to be given the ability to pee while standing. He looked back down at His notes, saw what was left, and said "OK, all I have left is multiple orgasms." At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" It was also pointed out that... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. A nursery school teacher was delivering a car full of children home one day when a fire engine zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire engine was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the ticket collector and fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the guy becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water. He tries everything - but he just won't die. So again, he is set free. Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution once more. At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret. "What is it with the bananas?" "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it" replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor." The Lone Ranger and Tonto were sitting in a pub having a shot of whiskey when a guy comes in and asks "Who's horse is that outside?". The Lone Ranger stood up and said "That's Silver, and he is my horse... is there something wrong?". The man replied "Yes... he's dying of heat exhaution out there!" The Lone Ranger said to Tonto, "Go outside and give Silver a drink... and then run around him really fast to get a breeze going". So out Tonto goes and the Lone Ranger continues his drink. All of a sudden another man comes into the bar and says "Who owns that horse out there?". The Lone Ranger can't believe it and he stands up and says "I do...what's wrong with it now?" At this the man replies, "Nothing... but you left ya Injun' running!!" 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling): My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. |